This is the first time Ash has fed from a bottle. He stared at Gillian the entire time. We plan to attend my staff Christmas party in a couple of weeks, but we had to make sure that his babysitter can feed him while we are out.
Dear Ashden,
Today you turn two months old. You’re a completely different baby than you were last month. I’m happy to report you’re much less of a bump on a log! Don’t get me wrong, you still flail your arms and legs around without much control, but your coordination is improving, and you’re able to get your fist into your mouth when you want to suck on something. Most importantly, this month is when you started smiling.
There is nothing, NOTHING, more beautiful in my world than seeing those smiles.
This has been a big month for physical changes, especially in week seven for some reason. You’ve gained weight and grown out of a lot of your clothes. Anything with feet lasts about a week. You’re about 13lbs now (we’ll get you weighed on November 13), which is up three pounds from last month. You weren’t born with eyelashes- or if they were there, they were extremely short. They’ve now grown in, and stayed blonde (like your father’s) until week seven, when they darkened up to a similar shade to mine. Your eyebrows also darkened up in week seven. Your hair continues to grow in after a lot of it fell out around week three. You’re fairly blonde on top, and still have the reddish hair on the bottom from when you were born.
You got your first cold this month too. Your father got it first, and a week later you and I were both stuffed up, coughing, sneezing and had sore throats (well, my throat was sore, so I imagine yours was too). You would panic and start hyperventilating when you couldn’t breathe properly and the only thing that would calm you down would be your soother. So, I started giving it to you more often, and you completely changed:
First, your gas problems all but disappeared completely. You were an extremely gassy baby- so gassy it’d seem to wake you up in the early morning and keep you awake for hours, with you trying to push out all the gas, which seemed painful and definitely uncomfortable. When you attempt to squeeze out gas, you kick your legs non-stop, which happen to be waist-height for me, so I would constantly be getting kicked. Moving you away from me didn’t matter, because you’d just scoot yourself close to me within minutes and begin to kick me again. Part me loves knowing that you want to be close to me, and the other part is GODDAMN SICK AND TIRED OF BEING KICKED. I didn’t attribute it to the soother until I read this sentence on KellyMom: “Encourage non-nutritive/comfort sucking at the breast, since non-nutritive sucking reduces irritation and speeds gastric emptying.”
I’d much rather be used for comfort sucking, but you still haven’t learned how to suckle and not eat- except at the very end of the feeding when you’re falling asleep- but by that time you need to be burped, and when I try to reattach you, you just start eating again, starting the entire eating/burping sequence again.
Second, you’re able to control my forceful letdown. You used to click constantly when my letdown happened, often pulling away from the boob and having me spray you in the face (and often the eye), and now you’re suddenly working through it, adjusting your sucking and swallowing speed accordingly. This is also probably part of the reason you’re not so gassy- you’re swallowing less air when you’re eating. Maybe it has something to do with the soother, maybe it doesn’t- but it happened at the exact time we let you have the soother for a few hours during the day.
You’re calmer, you are happy to sit there beside me sucking away. We don’t let you sleep with it because I don’t want to be woken up during the night more than I am in order to stick it back in your face.
I word it that way, “stick it back in your face,” because even though it’s improved a lot of things for you, I still find myself hating the soother. I’m jealous of how easy it is for It to soothe you, when I can’t. I think soothers look pretty stupid, especially on three year olds, and most of all, I’m really concerned for the future- will you be one of those three year olds who are hopelessly addicted to it? Will you make our lives a living hell when we try to wean you off of it? I hope not. For now, I’ll just try to accept it, but I’m definitely going to minimize the time you spend with it in your mouth out in public. I automatically defend my choice to use the soother to complete strangers! “What a cute baby!” “He’s sick, THAT’S why he has the soother. OKAY? O-KAY?!”
You’re napping several times a day, but they’re getting shorter and shorter. You wake up when the sun comes up and into our bedroom (around 7:00-7:30am), and will fall asleep a couple hours later. That nap usually lasts between 30-45 minutes and I try to join you. Sometimes, though, I can’t get to sleep because I can’t stop staring at your face. You’ll fall asleep again around 12:30pm, and depending on some unknown factor will sleep between 15 minutes and three hours. When you do nap for three hours I basically end up pacing the room because I’m so bored and I miss you so much.
You often take another nap while I’m cooking dinner at 5:00pm while swinging in your chair. I put on the white noise that sounds like a kitten purring or waves at the beach, and you zonk out.
We used to keep you awake until 11pm, I’m not sure why, but now we realize that you can sleep from 8:00/8:30pm-7:00/7:30am very easily. It cuts down your witching hours and that makes everyone happy. It also means that I am basically confined to the bed once you fall asleep, otherwise you’ll wake up, but that’s okay with me.
I read about all these moms whose babies cry when they’re put down to bed, but that’s one thing you’ve never done. We follow your lead for when you want to go to sleep, I nurse and burp you, lay you down and lay down beside you and you fall asleep. There’s never any crying. When you’re really, really asleep I’m able to get out of bed and clean up the kitchen or read or talk to your father, but usually by then I’m tired too, so we just fall asleep together.
You’re still sleeping very well at night. You wake up for about ten minutes every 2-4 hours, just to nurse and be burped, but I don’t mind at all. After the nursing/burping, I hold you and sway back and forth and you’re asleep within a minute and I lay you down and you’re out for another couple of hours. Side nursing has saved us both. I used to wake up with you and bring you into another room and turn on an episode of Six Feet Under and nurse you in the glider rocker, but that did more harm than good and the flickering lights would just wake up your brain and you could stay awake for hours. I keep you in the dark, I don’t talk to you, and you’re in the same semi-sleep state as I am, and we’re both able to fall back to sleep immediately.
Your dad and I love co-sleeping. Even he’s said, “I can’t imagine him sleeping in another room in a crib.” You love sleeping next to me too, you cuddle right up to me even when I try to move away to get some space. Sometimes all I have to do to get you to go back to sleep is put my boobs in your face or my nipple touching your mouth. You’re calmed just by my presence, and that makes me feel so wonderful.
You keep sleeping with one eye open though, and I really wish that was one characteristic of your father’s that you didn’t inherit. It’s so creepy.
The other day I went through our container of clothes that we have for when you get bigger. I had separated them into 3-6 months and 6+ months before you were born. I thought I’d be able to find a couple of new outfits for you, and I’d been looking in second hand shops looking for more pajamas with feet because you’d outgrown most of 0-3 month ones already. I didn’t think I’d find several outfits that you’d never even be able to wear once because you’re too big. I took out most of the 3-6 month clothes and hung them in your closet and realized that some of them you’ll be lucky to fit into for a week. You’re not chubby- you’re long. A lot of baby shirts are short and wide, and I can’t stand those kinds because although they’re cute, you can’t wear them for long. You need the thin and long kinds, and they seem to be few and far between. I’m told that your growth spurt will only last your first six months and then even out, but this is just killing me! So many cute clothes, so little time!
On the advice of an online acquaintance, I started reading “The Happiest Baby on the Block”, and it’s taught me so much more about why you are the way you are. Even though you’re no longer much of a crier, the book has helped me understand the way you think and perceive the world. My only wish is that I would have purchased it when you were first born. It’s taught me how to burp you properly- now after you’re done nursing I bounce you on my knee, and more often than not, that alone will bring up the air you’ve just swallowed, and if not, I pat you on the back like I used to, but this time I make sure to lean you forward (you still hate being burped, by the way, and will do everything to avoid it), and it comes out of you very quickly. I wish I would have known this trick earlier because in the middle of the night when you NEED to burp but fight me on it, and I don’t want to wake you up too much, I would end up giving up sometimes because I’d sit there for five minutes patting you on the back with no success. This is no longer the case, and now we’re both getting more sleep because you’re less gassy.
It’s taught me more in depth about the 5 S’s:
You don’t really like being swaddled anymore, and their directions to enclose your arms wouldn’t apply to you even when you were a newborn- you’ve always liked having them out. You’ve always put yourself on your side, even when you were a newborn, and even if I tried to move you to sleep on your back, you’d end up on your side without fail. Sleeping on your belly is something you like to do, but I only let you if you’re sleeping on my chest. Shushing came naturally to both Clive and I- something we did to you without knowing why or why it works. Your father has always had a way to calm you down- he holds you away from him in both arms and moves you up and down until his arms get tired. It’s always calmed you down, and is something special that you and your dad share because I’m not strong enough to do it for long enough to keep you calm. You love your chair swing and when you’re in the right mood, you can sleep in it for several hours. And I’ve already discussed your love of the pacifier.
You’ve passed another milestone that everyone who knows you has commented on- your ability to focus on things, especially people’s faces. You’ve always been enamored by a red dot on your swing chair, and have been able to focus on that for hours while swinging, which we thought was hilarious because there was a mobile above your head and you were completely oblivious to its presence until about week seven (like I said, week seven was huge in your development!).
Another big thing that happened wasn’t actually involving you. I started feeling normal again at the end of the month. Even at the five week mark, I was still in as much pain as I had been right after giving birth to you and I had an ultrasound to see if there was anything wrong but it showed no abnormalities. This was good, of course, but still didn’t explain why I was still in so much pain. I was still unable to stand up for long enough to cook dinner or walk two blocks to the drug store without coming home and wanting to cry. Then, suddenly, one day I took you out in the stroller and walked three kilometers to a mall, shopped for close to four hours and realized !HOLYCRAP! I am not in pain! I’m still not sure what about the birthing process that made my sitting bones hurt as much as they did- probably because you didn’t turn until the last minute, which put a lot of pressure on my back, but I’m glad I’m finally healing because now we can leave the house for more than five minutes, I can pick you up and swing you around, and we’re not confined to our bedroom.
One thing that surprised me about bringing you into my life that I didn’t mention last month was how naturally being a mother came to me. There have been very few frustrating moments, and the ones that we have experienced have passed pretty quickly. There was the night when you were 10 days old that you wanted nothing but to nurse from 9:00pm until 6:00am, and that was hard. There was another night this week where I threw your soother across the room, but I’m not sure why- probably because you were so uncomfortable you were awake at 5:00am and wouldn’t fall back to sleep. Hearing you moan and groan is very hard for me because I don’t like to hear you in pain and there’s not very much I can do to ease that.
Sometimes I feel like you’re three years old because of how well I think I know you. We’re never apart, you’re always beside me, and I love it that way. I can’t imagine having you sleep in another room, or even another bed.
I say that we’re never apart, but that’s a lie. This month was the first time I left you alone with someone else. Your aunt Ambera and I went to the grocery store for a few minutes while you stayed at home with your father. It was surprisingly difficult. It had nothing to do with who you were with, but I almost came back and got you… what if you needed me and I wasn’t there? Even though you’d just eaten, what if you got hungry? What if your father couldn’t stop you from crying?
I came back and you hadn’t even noticed I’d left. I dread your first day of school. Thank god it’s five years away.
We finally got rid of your yeast diaper rash this month- it was persistent, lasting a full month. I had to take a strong dose of anti-fungal medication that helps you through my breast milk. While on the anti-fungal medication however, we got a case of thrush. It was more of a pain in the butt than anything else- everything that touched your mouth or my breasts had to be washed with vinegar to kill the yeast. After every feeding I had to rinse my nipples with a half vinegar/half water solution. When the thrush still wasn’t going away, I took the next step and gave you a three-day dose of gentian violet which turned your mouth and my nipples purple and, according to your aunt Ambera, made you look like, “a fucking idiot.” In the nicest of ways, I’m sure.
Speaking of your aunt, may I tell you how loved you are? Ambera is addicted to you. She used to hate babies, called them “squirming purple maggots” on more than one occasion. She and I used to joke that when she had a baby she’d give it to me until it was a toddler, and when I had a baby I’d give her my babies once they reached toddler-hood because as much as babies made her uncomfortable, toddlers make me uncomfortable. It was a genius idea! Until Ambera fell in love with you. Hard. She baby-talks you and actually says, “coochie coochie coo!” and tickles your belly. You and I see her at least three times a week after she’s done school, and her eyes light up when she sees you and she glows for the entire time you’re around. I’ve never seen her so happy for so long as when we spend time with her- she’s permanently high. Seeing how in love with you she is makes me feel so warm inside, knowing that someone else loves you almost as much as your father and I.
Your uncle Jarrod doesn’t get to see you as often as Ambera, but he’s one of your favorite people. You melt into his arms and shut up when he holds you. He’s great with you too, and so in love.
Your grandmother, Nanny Hyde, oh good god, she loves you. I see her more often than I have in years and years. She makes it a point to see you once a week, especially while the weather is still good. She comes to Halifax or I visit her in Bridgewater, and she just coos over you and tells me how much you’ve changed. She’s the one that noticed how well your focusing had gotten between week six and week seven. I love seeing her so in love with my child, and I love her fresh perspective on you. I wonder how much I’d miss if it wasn’t for new eyes?
You also had several other visitors this month. First, from your father’s mother, LaLa, who spent a couple of nights and loved singing to you and swinging you in her arms. It was during the time when you were pretty fussy and gassy and before you started smiling, so I’m sure when we see her again you’re going to be an entirely different baby.
Your Aunt Tina and Uncle Brian and Cousins Caleb and Myah came to visit as well. Their visit was wonderful. Tina could make you fall asleep within minutes of being in her arms, and Brian mentioned several times how small you were. I’m not sure how much you understood of the children, but you seemed alarmed at the NOISE! THEY! MADE! They’re only three and one, and they have a lot of energy, and I don’t think I’d seen you as tired as spending an afternoon with them. It made me nervous for the future because they are such a handful and I know that it will be soon that you’re able to roll over, then crawl, then walk, talk, scream, run, play. I love who you are right now, not that I won’t in the future, but you are relatively easy to take care of!
In the same breath, I’d just like to say that I can’t wait for more smiles, for your laughter, for your hugs and kisses and to listen to everything you have to say. I love how petite you are, and how you stick your butt out when I pick you up from your naps. I love how drowsy you are when I have to burp you in the middle of the night after a feeding. I love how you nuzzle me and sleep so soundly when you’re pressed up against me in the mornings. I love being able to get you to smile because even though I know I’m a good mom, your smile tells me that you think so too.
