Dear Ashden: Month Nineteen

Dear Ash,

You’re 19 months old today! We’ve spent more time apart than ever before this month, but we’re managing and we’re actually doing okay.

I went back to work this month, something I hadn’t been planning on doing until I found a job that I knew I’d enjoy and so that I could eventually go on maternity leave. Originally your dad and I had decided that we were going to try to give you a brother or sister in the immediate future, but then we had a change of heart a couple of months later and so now, here we are, not in a rush for another baby and I’m still working and you’re still looking at daycare. I hope you don’t hate me.

The past couple of weeks you’ve been with friends of ours- other moms with babies that you know and like- and you’ve been having a great time. You’re falling asleep easily at nap time with stories or songs instead of nursing and have been entertaining yourself enough so that the moms aren’t ready to pull out their hair at the end of the day after having to take care of two young toddlers. There’s Laura, the mom of Georgia, and you get along better with them than you do with the other mom, Ute, and the daughter Sofia, who is a very headstrong (and physically strong) little girl who is suffering badly from the Single Child Syndrome (which you sometimes struggle with as well). You enjoy both girls, and even ask for them before I drop you off at their houses, which I take as a good sign. Both moms are glad that you take instruction well and have a lot of language skills to make things easier, because the other two children are either too young, or again, are too headstrong to really take direction well.

Speaking of your language skills, they’re exploding. This month you put two words together and then at the end of the month we’ve got three words together and the occasional four word sentence (though they’re rare right now). You know all of your colours- black, white, purple, blue, orange, yellow, pink, red, silver, and all of your shapes- square, circle, oval, triangle, rectangle, octagon, star and diamond. We’re starting to learn letters and I have taught you B, D, E, M, S, and now we’re working on A. Your father has been trying to teach you how to count for months, and now you’ll point at things for us to count, and will often say that you have “two” of something, even if you have more or less… but the concept is developing in your brain, so it’s been pretty neat to see. You’re making your dad proud by learning all the names of your dinky cars, and you know the following (and more, but I can’t remember them all, nor can I even name them when I see them): beetle, viper, convertible, hummer, mini, chevy, lambo and truck.

You’re a running dialog now, constantly blabbing about what you see, “big truck” “blue car” “running” “foot! Kick!” “singing” etc. It’s pretty much non-stop, especially if we’re in the car and you can see your favorite things (automobiles), because you let us know that you’re aware of every.damn.thing. by telling us so.

Five days out of every week I only see you for a little over an hour of the day, something that makes me cry if I think about it too much. The day-to-day stuff is much easier than I thought it would be- it was the anticipation that was killing me. One of the last days before I went to work, I took us to our favorite playground for an hour or so and a large army helicopter that flew overhead, and even though you love them, you got frightened and ran over to me and said, “mama!” and needed me to hold you as it passed. I cried so hard Ash, in the middle of that playground, because I knew I wouldn’t be there for you all the time when you needed me like I have been for your entire life. It goes beyond guilt, it’s something deeper and more innate. I am the one that should be there to help you through the tough times, not babysitters and definitely not a daycare where you’re one of ten toddlers. I know you’re happy and will continue to be happy, even when you’re in daycare, it’s just a weird thing to be away from your young child for so many hours each day.

You never fail to impress me- everything that you say and do is astounding to both your dad and I, and we just love you so much. I love learning more about your personality as you get older- especially now that you’re able to express yourself so much. I’m so sorry that I have to miss so much of your young life.

Thank you for being so happy to see me when I come to pick you up. Thank you for crawling up on the big bed and cuddling into me in the middle of the night. Thank you for not being mad or sad when I leave you in the mornings. Thank you for teaching me to be a more of a patient and loving person than I ever thought imaginable. Thank you for your blue eyes and soft pale skin and funny laugh and perfect teeth and your insane amount of beauty.

Love,
Mama

Dear Ashden: Month Eighteen

Dear Ash,

You’re a year and a half old today! You are such a little boy, I would nearly say- outside of the occasionally gibberish- that you’re only 10% baby now. You’ve grown up so fast!!

We’ve had a very exciting breakthrough this month. We had two appointments booked at the allergy clinic for this week, two FOUR-HOUR long appointments that I was dreading since they were booked a couple of months ago because the allergy clinic is boring and there aren’t a lot of toys there and the thought of making you stay in one place and behaving for that entire time seemed like hell. on. earth, and I was willing to avoid it at all costs. You were supposed to go in for something called a “banana challenge,” where during the first appointment, you eat a banana in front of the doctors and they examine you shortly thereafter to see if there are any symptoms showing (usually you get congested within an hour or so of eating a banana). Then we go in the next day for four hours again and they examine you again.Instead of testing banana at the doctor’s office for the first time in nearly a year, I decided to try it at home first. I expected the worst, because it had only been a few months since your last exposure- and that was just through breastmilk- and you had a pretty severe reaction of congestion and eczema.

I waited. And waited. And nothing happened! You’re CURED! No eczema, no congestion, just pure, unadulterated love for banana. Now you can eat an entire banana within about sixty seconds, and constantly ask for “nana? Nana? Nananananananana?” You eat at least one a day now.

Then I wondered, if you’re not sensitive to banana anymore, what about oats? Oats used to give you pretty severe diarrhea, again, even if only exposed through milk, and so I ate a big bowl of oatmeal one night, and nothing happened to you! So, we tried it directly, and nothing happened. Glory! Even though you don’t eat much of it still, it means that I can enjoy date squares, most of my favorite cereals and apple crisp again. So, THANK YOU! I have missed oats a lot.

The big test was milk products. You have always had a really severe reaction to milk when it was given to you directly (luckily, not through my milk), diarrhea that would last three or four days, regardless of whether it was goat’s or cow’s milk. Even a small amount, and I mean really, really small, would mess with your digestive system. I bought some goat’s milk yogurt and gave you some and nothing happened AGAIN. I haven’t tried cow’s milk (and don’t really want to- goat’s milk is much easier to digest), but I have tried giving you cheese which you crinkle your nose up at and will not eat it.

This is so exciting for us. You can pretty much eat anything out there now, and that’s just wonderful.

One of your favorite things to do is colour with markers. You’ve progressed from chicken scratches to actual scribbles, and when we ask you to draw eyes/nose/arms/belly button/hat on things like snowmen, you try really hard- and almost always at least start in the right spot, even though you don’t know how to draw a hat properly.

You also like me drawing on your face- you go right to the mirror and laugh at yourself. And then spend the next couple of days drawing on your own face. And sometimes mine. Oh, how easily you learn.

You love cars. Cars, cars, cars, cars, trucks, trains, buses, cars. Sometimes I offer to read you a book, and you reject me (something that’s never happened before) and continue to play with your cars instead. Your favorite books are those that have to do with cars. This month you had a love affair with something you called a “school bus.” It was just a bus shade of yellow van, but you called it your “ku-ba” (not sure why you lost the ability to say “bus” considering you pronounce it perfectly when talking about real busses), and you brought that thing everywhere with you and would often be your first request after waking up from naps or in the morning. Ku-ba?? Ku-ba???????

There’s one thing for sure, you make us laugh every day.

Words are falling out of your mouth every second of every day, and you tend to repeat every last word of each sentence that I say. “Ash, do you want to read a book?” “Book?” “Let’s go for a walk.” “Walk.” And sometimes it’ll be a word in the middle of the sentence and won’t make any sense at all: “Ash, can you say goodnight to your bear?” “Your?”

You’re also starting to learn colours. At the end of this month, you know what yellow is. It’s touch and go with the other colours, but at least you know what I’m asking when I ask what colour something is, even if you just take a shot in the dark at what the right answer is. Yellow is pronounced, “wellow” in your world, with your tongue sticking right out of your mouth at the beginning of the word.

You still love spiders, that is until your uncle Jarrod pointed out a real one that was on our living room floor one day this month, and you squealed like a little girl and backed away and kept repeating “no no no? no. no. no.” I think the fear is subsiding a little now, and you still like to find spiders in books. I played a trick on you and told you that the little balls of thread that all over this house are spiders, so at least once a day you’ll find one, call it a spider and put it in my hand.

This was our last FULL month together, just you and I. Next month, at the beginning of April, I go to work full time. I cannot tell you what a whirlwind of emotion that decision was for me. I know you’re going to be just fine without me, especially surrounded by kids and different toys and lots of stimulation, but listen little man, I am going to miss you so much. Every time I really think about it, big fat tears well up in my eyes. I’m so afraid of the special little things that make you YOU will go unnoticed and unappreciated. I’ve loved every minute of the past eighteen months together (except when you were an exhausted and whiney bucket of complaints) and I cannot believe it’s coming to a close.

You make me feel alive. You make me smile more than I ever have in my life. My heart swells with love when I allow myself to sit back and just look at you playing around me. You make life worth living. You make your father and I so proud with your brains and your brawn. I’m surprised there is so much hatred in the world when something as simple as a child can bring so much joy into people’s lives. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for all of my joy.

Love,
Mama

Dear Ashden: Month Seventeen

Dear Ash,

You’re 17 months old today and that’s pretty darn close to two years and I’m astounded at how fast our lives are going and can you please slow down? You’re a far cry from the little baby I held in my arms for the first time so long ago.

I guess I may as well get it out of the way. I knew it’d happen, I have mentioned it in several past newsletters, but here it is: You swore for the first time this month. You said “fuck.” Oops. So, here’s how it happened: I was walking with you in the sling on the way back from the grocery store and I realized I forgot the Certo I needed to make strawberry jam, and I muttered “fuck.” Immediately after it came out of my mouth, you followed up with, “uck. Uck. Uck!” I ignored it, hoping if I didn’t make a big deal about your new word, that you’d forget it as quickly as you learned it. I wasn’t so lucky.

At dinner that night, you started up again. “Uck. Uck. Uck.” And your dad looked at me and said, “Did you say fuck in front of him?” I sheepishly said, “yes.” “Is that what he’s saying right now??” “yes.” Oopsie.

I believe I’ve mentioned your best friend Sam. We see him at least twice a week, and even though he’s not as much of a talker as you are, you guys really get along well. This is the reason why we live in a city and not in the country like I always imagined I would at this stage in my life. I love that you have friends and regular play dates. Even though I long for country life, my childhood was spent lusting after having neighbours to play with, so that’s what I’m giving you.

You’ve learned how to drink out of a normal cup really well this month. As long as I don’t put a lot of water in it, or leave it on your chair (you like to put your food and utensils in the cup and make a stew… who can blame you?), you’re good.

You’re usually a very neat eater, but this month you’ve started liking spaghetti sauce and so that makes for a much messier meal. Also, you have a huge love affair with apple sauce and I hear “Apple! Apple! Apple!” every time I open the fridge and about 1928393 other times throughout the day. I can’t wait until you’re a little bit older and I can bargain with you; ten noodles and THEN apple sauce. Right now, you just hear “apple sauce.”

You have more words than I can count now- probably a couple hundred. You try to say anything I ask you to repeat, often times getting it right. You label everything on your body and on mine. You know where the eyes, nose, cheeks, eyebrows, eyelashes, chin, forehead, arms, legs, toes, and your favorite- belly button are. You even label your penis when you see it while you’re in the midst of diaper changes, on the potty or in the bath.

This month your father and I took you skating, which is something your dad has dreamed about since you were in the womb. Your dad plays hockey at least once a week and has loved playing since he was a little boy. We bought you a pair of strap-on skates at Canadian Tire and took you out for about half an hour one afternoon (it would have been longer but it was really cold that day), and as soon as your skates hit the ice, there was a smile on your face. You absolutely LOVED it, much to your father’s glee, and didn’t want to stop. You moved your feet quickly across the ice, feeling how slippery it was, and giggled and giggled.

Your grandparents came to visit you one Sunday (we tend to see them nearly every weekend) and they took us to a museum with an 86-year old turtle and other displays with snakes and frogs and fish, and you had a blast looking at everything. There were many other displays with stuffed animals, huge moose and a bear and its cub. The bear exhibit had a sound feature that would growl and it scared you! You’d run into my arms when you’d hear it and didn’t want to go too close. I’m glad I’m not the only one in this family to have a fear of bears! Before you were born I came into close contact with a fairly young bear and my knees were literally knocking together and my entire body was shaking for an hour.

You love animals, all animals. We have a book that has photographs of lots and lots of them, and you can name (or point to when I name them) almost all of them- from zebras to bisons to bugs to fish. You can tell the difference between rhinos and hippos, between butterflies and dragonflies. I think my favorite word of yours this month was “cockroach” which you said with such clarity it startled me! When asked, you can point to the beetle, the fly, the ant, the spider- getting it right every time. It’s amazing! You have far more understanding of things than I thought was possible at this age. I attribute it to lots of repetition and reading books from a very early age.

You love spiders, and I have no idea where this interest came from. I don’t think you’ve even seen a real spider before. One day this month your grandmother came up to take care of you so that I could do some work and you spent half an hour or more just looking through books to see if they had spiders. You’d flip each page and say, “no spider, no spider, no spider” and then if you found one, you’d shout, “SPIDER!” Even if it was just a dot on a page, you’d somehow know if it was supposed to be a spider.

Some of your favorite things to do are: chase me (or your dad) around the house playing monster (or be chased, especially), play inside a large box in our living room, colour with markers, eat seaweed crackers, watch animal videos on youtube, read books, play with your friends (we have a playdate every Friday), eat applesauce, play with your trains and cars, ride the bus, make assorted animal sounds, roughhouse on the bed, play “Ring Around the Rosie” and try on hats and look in the mirror.

Another breakthrough happened this month: you know where things are supposed to go on drawings. If I draw a snowman, you know where the bellybutton, hat, arms and facial features are supposed to go; although you don’t know how to draw things yet, you will be very deliberate in where you put your marker (or magna doodle pen) and will mark exactly where things are. It’s all scribbles right now, but you have all the right intentions. I didn’t even have to teach you how to do it- it was just an experiment one day to see if you could draw, and lo and behold, you got it.

Your father and I made the big decision this month to try to give you a younger brother or sister. This was a huge deal for us, and it took some convincing for your dad to be on board. He loves being able to give you all of his attention, and so do I, but I think the quality of your life will be so much better if you’ve got someone a couple years younger to share it with. I hope it works out that way!

Along with that decision came the reality that I was going to have to go back to work so that we didn’t ruin ourselves financially. This means that you’re going to have to go to daycare, something I never wanted to have to do, and it means that our time together as it has been for the past 17 months is coming to a close. We only have another six weeks left of this life, and I can hardly think about it coming to an end without getting teary. Though I’m looking forward to spending more time with adults, your development and the things you’re exposed to has been my number one priority (and will continue to be so, just in a different way) for so long that I can’t imagine our lives any differently. It’s unfathomable to think about you having your own little life, things that I won’t be able to share with you. I know it is bound to happen sooner or later, I just don’t know if I’m really ready for it yet, and I’m not sure you are either. You’re going to have fun at daycare though. You’re an independent boy who loves playing with other people’s toys and being around other children. We’ll still have our mornings and evenings together and I will look forward all day to curling up beside you in bed, as you ask for “miwk.” Just another reason why I love cosleeping.

For now, my beautiful son, I plan on soaking up every last day together, while I still have you all to myself. You are the most amazing creature I’ve ever met. You’re so insanely smart it’s a joy to watch you grow and learn and repeat words I say and play with you and hear you laugh. You crack me up every single day, and for that I thank you. You continue to bring me so much joy that it’s hard to imagine that I was happy before you came along. The hard times are hard, as you’re starting to push limits and get upset when I refuse things, but the good times make up for all of it.

Thank you for showing me just how beautiful life can be. I love you.

Love,
Mama

Dear Ashden: Month Sixteen

Dear Ash,

This month you turned 16 months old and you spent all of it with a runny nose. This has been an extremely brutal sickness, a really long and difficult cold that you’re still suffering from today. We’re both struggling through it, but I think the end is near.

When I last wrote you, you were seriously suffering from a big case of the clingys and the whines. I’m thrilled to say that you’re over it. Whatever was wrong, whether it was the adjustment to the new house, a cold, new teeth (more on that in a minute) or just a long case of the blues, you’re out of that slump. It was a slow process, and every day you’d wake up a little happier, and now you’re back to your usual cheery self, playing with dinky cars on the floor, bringing me books to read or requesting the Tubbies.

At the beginning of the month I was able to count all of your words. Here they are for record’s sake, as of December 19:

-monkey
-mama/mommy
-dada
-papa
-nana/nanny
-dog
-kitty
-bubbles
-ball
-balloon
-hanger
-apple
-animal
-moon
-bottle
-wawa (water)
-boot
-tubbies
-snowman
-baby
-truck
-abba (ambera)
-auntie (he knows that she is both abba and auntie)
-lala (his grandmother on clive’s side)
-down
-noodles
-milk
-melon
-sushi
-uh oh
-yes
-no
-more
-bye
-bear
-duck
-bread
-bird

Sounds of:
-fish (mouth open and close)
-dog
-kitty
-clock (tick tock)
-drum (he says bang bang bang)
-cow
-monster
-lamb/goat/sheep (he’ll say “baa” for all three of them)
-owl
-horse
-fire truck (nee naw)
-cars/trucks/busses/motorcycles/tractors (”vrooom”)
-bee
-horse

Signs:
-milk
-down
-hot
-book
-motorcycle
-bath
-all done
-more
-eat
-bye
-kiss goodbye
-(nodding yes or no)

You have added at least one word a day to that list, and I’m no longer able to keep up with recording them. You say “all done” and sign it at the same time, you point out the features on my face every day and say, “eye, nose, ear.” You are learning your body parts and will point to your head, your own facial features, your penis, your legs, your hands, your belly, your toes- pretty much anywhere I ask you to point to, you will. Genius, my child, genius.

You call anything that’s not water “juice” even though you’ve rarely had juice (we gave you a little bit while in Cuba, but that’s it), which strangely enough is what your father says too. Everything is “juice.” Water is “wawa,” my milk is “milll, boo boo.” Rai-rai for raisins, noo noo for noodles, appa for apple, whatever. You know what you want and you ask for it.

There was a time this month that was difficult for both of us. You spent several nights wanting to nurse all night long, and I mean ALL NIGHT LONG, and it was driving me batty; the lack of sleep and the sensation of you nursing. I realize now that it was several molars coming in and you were suffering from that pain. Molars must suck so hard to cut, and I’m sorry there’s not much more than a little Baby Tylenol and lots of “milll boo boo” that I can offer you.

This month also held your second Christmas. You got some pretty nice presents but weren’t spoiled. You got a big red tricycle from your grandparents on my side, a train set and train cars from your grandparents on your father’s side, a magna doodle and wooden automobiles from me, a huge and ugly jeep thing to ride in from your dad, some Padraig slippers from your uncle, and a grocery store gift certificate from your aunt so we can continue to give you yummy organic food. You enjoyed unwrapping the gifts- this was the first time that it actually clicked in your head, so that was fun to watch.

You’re learning to eat with a fork or spoon, and will most of the time use them for their intended purposes, but you still enjoy playing with them and banging them on your high chair. You’re getting really good at drinking out of a normal cup, so long as I don’t fill the glass too full. I cannot believe how fast you’re growing.

I’ve been really lax with the photos lately, and I think it’s because we’ve kept ourselves so busy. You’ve been waking up later than usual, which is great, and you spend the first part of the morning with your dad (generally from 7-9am) partially to let you guys have some quality time together (it’s the only time- outside of dinner- that you get to see him) and partially to let me sleep in. When I get up, we eat some breakfast, play trains or cars or draw pictures and before I know it, it’s 11:30, and time for your nap. You’ll either sleep for an hour and fifteen minutes (like yesterday) or over two hours (like today). I can never tell what it’s going to be. When you wake up, you take a poop on the potty, and we get ready to go out for a while. Sometimes we just go to the grocery store or post office, or- more preferably- we go to a friend’s house to play for a couple of hours. Fridays are our main play dates, where 4-6 moms and their kids get together and talk while the kids play. It’s a wonderful time for both of us.

Your best friend is named Sam and he lives about two blocks away. He’s three weeks older than you and we’ve been friends with him since October. His mom is really awesome too. You two didn’t used to play together, but as the months have passed and you have gotten older, you really do like to play as a team now. You can chase each other around and share balls and other toys and it’s wonderful to see. Sometimes you kiss each other! It’s absolutely adorable. We’re not going to see Sam as much after the beginning of March because his mom has to go back to work, and I’m really, really sad about that. But for now, we’ll spend as much time together as we can.

We’re usually back in the house around 5pm, and I let you play by yourself, or if you’re being really, really clingy I will have to put you in front of the Tubbies for a few minutes while I cook dinner for you and your dad. Daddy, as he’s now known (you started calling us Mommy and Daddy this month), comes home at about 6:15, and then we have some dinner and sometimes he gives you a bath before heading off to his night job. You’re in bed by 7pm, and you’ll wake up every hour or so until I go to bed at 11. It’s a good life, eh? It’s going to get better when all of your little friends are as mobile as you are and it’s summer and we can play in the park and have picnics and oh my gosh, I’m just so excited for warmer weather.

We went for allergy testing this month for you, and through some skin testing they found that you don’t have any type-one allergies. This is great news, but still doesn’t explain why you get congested and hives around cashmere, congested and eczema when you eat (or I eat) bananas, or why you get diarrhea for days at a time after eating oats or animal milk. Hopefully it’s something you’ll grow out of. They tell me that you should be good by age three. We’ll see. I’m just glad I was able to finally talk to some people who would take me seriously, especially considering I first noticed your bad reactions to things when you were two months old.

This language development of yours is fascinating to watch and I’m enjoying getting to know you better and better every day, even if you’ve started saying “no” to nearly everything I say to you. Do you want up? No. Do you want down? No. Are you hungry? No. Are you full? No. Whereas once you’d say “yup” to everything I asked you, now it’s “no.” Ahhh, toddlerhood, ain’t it grand?

Your father just walked by me as I was writing this and uploading your pictures, and he said, “he’s a beauty, isn’t he?”

You are, Ash. You are absolutely beautiful. I’d do anything for you, do you know that? There isn’t a thing in the world that I wouldn’t do for you. You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever met and I cannot believe I created you! I’m looking forward to tomorrow and the next day and the next day and every day, and it’s all because of you.

Love,
Mama

Dear Ashden: Month Fifteen

Dear Ash,

You turn 15 months old today. My memory of the past month has been clouded over by this week, because you are a completely different person than what you usually are.

We moved Ash, and you’re not happy. We moved to a bigger apartment with a backyard and every time we walk in the door from being outside, you cry. You cried when we’d come over with a stroller full of boxes, you were crying the day we were packing up our old apartment, and unfortunately, you haven’t stopped crying in a week.

We weren’t expecting this from you. We went to Georgia when you were eight months old and you were happy to be in the hotel room. Last month we went to Cuba and you were thrilled being somewhere new. This is completely out of character for you, and it’s really freaking me out! You are clingy and whiney and you constantly want to nurse, and you cry. A lot. You never cry! You never cling! You never nurse except to go to sleep! You want me beside you every minute of every day- which is something you’ve never wanted before. I used to be able to cook dinner with two hands. I used to be able to check my email throughout the day and know that you were going to be happy to play with your cars in the living room. Not anymore

Nights are horrible. The night before last was the worst night since you were ten days old and nursed from 9pm-6am straight. You wanted to nurse for HOURS and I just couldn’t do it. You didn’t fall asleep until 2am. When you wake up as you normally do for a quick nursing session, you start off by CRYING! You’ve never, not ONCE, cried at night- not even when you were brand new. It was something I was able to brag about- that because you were right beside me in bed, there was no need for you to cry, but now, things are different, and the instant you wake up, you’re either scared or mad or whatever, but you’re unhappy enough to immediately cry. I don’t know who you are.

I don’t know if you’re cold (this place is significantly colder than our last, all-inclusive, place was), I don’t know if you’re teething, I don’t know if you pick up on weird energy in this 105 year old house, I don’t know if you just don’t like it here. You have a cold, so that just adds to everything negative. I don’t know if you’re picking up on my stress level from having a half-unpacked house, and my stress level is extremely high since you’re stressed and you’re demanding so much of my energy and patience and calories.

I just want you to feel better. I want you to feel like this is our home, a happy place where you can relax and have fun again. I don’t want you to be upset. I want to make everything okay, but I can’t. I’ve tried. You whine even when we’re reading books together or drawing. And the weirdest thing is, is that you only whine around me. If I leave you in your aunt’s care, your nana’s care, or with your dad, you stop and you’re happy. What the hell is THAT all about? Huh? Why is it just me?

Anyway, I still love you. We’re going to get through this. Hopefully sooner than later.

SO! The good news is, is that you’re talking. Yes sir, brand new words come out of your mouth every day. So many words, in fact, I can’t even keep track of them. Often you just flirt with the word- you say it once and then you won’t say it again, but your understanding of English is phenomenal.

You’ve got a great understanding of these words, though you say much more than this:
• Kitty (tittah)
• Dog (doh)
• Mama
• Papa/Dada
• Nana (but you called her “Nanny” yesterday)
• Auntie (whispering au-teh), Abbah, Abbey
• Bubble (bubbl)
• Uh oh
• Digger (did-ter)
• Snowman (no-maa)
• Noodles (nana)
• Balloon (buuuuhh)
• Ball (bah)
• Blueberry (ba-boo)
• Raisin
• Tubbies
• Monkey (maintenant – the French word for “now”)

Yesterday you even said your first sentence!! You said, “Bye teletubbies” when your grandfather was taking away the VHS case and putting it in a different room. I was so happy that your nana was there to hear it too- those kinds of moments only happen once, so it was so exciting!! Plus, you really only started saying “bye” this month too, so it was a big step.

You’ve been introduced to the Teletubbies this month more than I’d like to admit. Your father and I were able to pack up our last place while you were sleeping and with the help of my mom who took care of you a lot the actual moving day, but unpacking as been mainly my responsibility and I can’t do it with you clinging onto both of my legs and sticking your head between the two of them, so you’ve been happily seated in front of Teletubbies and the Adventure of the Big Pumpkin or something like that at least once a day (never for the full hour, though), followed up by some quality time with me to bring you back from your daze and into reality and, of course, to ease some of my Mother’s Guilt. You love the Teletubbies and ask for them even when we’re spending nice time together. You say, “tubbies?” and sign “more.” I never want you to be one of those TV kids, but I’m afraid I’ve made you into one in the past week. Hopefully we can get you out of this habit.

This month there was a snowstorm, which of course sucked because it had us pretty much housebound for a few days, but it was great because you got to see lots of snowplows. One was outside of the window in our last place (we were in a basement apartment), so we stuck you on the windowsill and you got to watch it plow.

You’re still very good at signing, even surprising me with some signs. This month you’ve started signing “milk” (A LOT, SAVE ME), something I’ve done with you since you were about five months old. You pair it with saying, “milk” which I probably see and hear about a dozen times a day. We were looking at a book with a motorcycle in it before we moved and you signed “motorcycle,” something I showed you the week prior and you didn’t do- but you remembered it! It stuck in your little sponge brain and it came out just like that. It was spectacular! And you made a motorcycle sound to go with it- so there were three things there: you saw a picture of a motorcycle, you signed motorcycle and you made its noise. Seriously- you are the smartest kid I know.

I am going to spoil you with lots of playdates with other moms and babies who are having a rough time too. Maybe it’s this time of year. It’s nice to know we’re not the only ones struggling, even though I pity all of them! I can’t wait to see you happy again.

Love,
Mama

Dear Ashden: Month Fourteen

Dear Ash,

You’re a very whiney and laughing 14 month old! You laugh and you whine more than ever before, and while I cannot STAND the whining, I am absolutely in love with hearing you laugh. I would do anything in the world to make you laugh, and it seriously makes my entire day to hear your little giggle… but that’s nothing new.

You got your first big haircut this month, on the floor of our apartment by your Papa and his clippers. I was tired of seeing your uneven bangs that I cut, and even though we were going to let your hair grow so you could be a boy with long hair (one of your father’s own personal dreams- but he doesn’t have the right texture for long hair), we suddenly decided that it would be the night. So, one day you looked like this:

And then after your haircut, you looked like this:

Such an improvement! Upon the first time seeing your haircut, your Auntie came out with, “Well, all new haircuts look stupid for the first little while.” I guess she did not approve.

We met another one of my sisters this month, Leala, and I hope she stays in our life. It was a big day for me, and I’m glad you were able to meet her too.

This was your second Hallowe’en, but the first time we actually celebrated with you (if you don’t count the dreaded pumpkin photo-op incident last year:

You had much more fun this year, dressed as a koala bear and running in the streets after dark, which you never get to do. The first house we went to had a dog, and you went right inside looking for that dog, forget about the felt bag with the pumpkin on it and the licorice in it- you just wanted that dog. Everyone was laughing. We met up with a few friends and spent the next hour roaming the neighbourhood. It was so much fun, even though you didn’t understand what was going on.

You didn’t get to eat any of the candy. Sorry. Maybe next year.

The next morning we took a flight to Toronto to visit your father’s side of the family for the day on our way to Cuba. The last time we saw them was at our wedding and you were such a little baby in comparison- you could only crawl! We were so excited to show you off and spend time with them- I was glad I was able to rig our flights so that we could spend nearly 24 hours in Toronto- it was almost like a free trip.

Your Grandma LaLa, Papa John, Aunt Tina, Uncle Brian and cousins Myah and Caleb met us at the airport with signs and a balloon for you (and two others that had been lost to the force of gravity). You’re too young to really care about seeing family members that you don’t get to see very often, but you fell immediately in love with the green balloon. We went for lunch, then for a swim in our surprisingly awesome hotel pool, then for dinner and a bath at your grandmother’s house. We packed in a lot of quality time and it was one of the highlights of our entire honeymoon!

And then in the morning you and I watched planes taking off for what seemed like hours. You loooooved it.

You were great on the plane going to Cuba, even though a crying baby woke you up 45 minutes into your first nap of the day- after being awake for close to six hours. I was so mad at that baby! But your Nana and Dee were sitting right behind us and they had a brand new dinky car for you and they occupied you for the majority of the flight.

Even though bringing your baby and your parents on your honeymoon might be unconventional, I really, really loved having you (and them) there with us. As a Hilton ad reminded me, “families who play together, stay together.” We asked my parents to come along with us because we thought we’d want to spend a lot of time without you, but we quickly realized that we didn’t mind spending our “romantic getaway” with you- because you were so interested in everything new, it was fun to see you exploring. You woke up in the morning and didn’t stop walking and RUNNING around until you fell asleep. Nana and Dee did take care of you for a couple of hours each day- often while you napped so your dad and I could go playing in the ocean waves together and spend a couple of hours laughing our heads off like we used to.

It was amazing to get to spend quality time together as a family because we hardly ever get to do it with your dad’s work schedule. We played in the kiddie pool and the playground, we walked on the beach, ate food at the buffet (you especially liked guava) and explored the grounds of the resort.

It was a wonderful vacation. We were sad to see it end.

Some of your accomplishments this month are, in point form:
• You learned how to
o blow a kiss goodbye
o how to run
• You can nod yes and no very well
• You can give hugs and kisses (open mouth kisses, haha)

Your verbal words are:
• Nana
• Mama
• Dada
• Papa
• LaLa
• Bubba
• (an attempt at) Ola!
• (an attempt at) Ash
• (an attempt at) Uh-oh!

Your signed words are:
• Eat
• More
• Book
• All done
• Thank you
• Hurt
• Hot
• Help/Please
• Brush teeth
• Milk
• Up
• Down

You’ve also discovered how much fun mirrors can be. One day when I came to pick you up from Nana’s room at the hotel, you were trying on their hats and going up to the mirror to see what you looked like. You can stick out your tongue and open your mouth and say “Ahhh” and you think you are hilarious.

Peak-a-boo comes earlier to some kids, but you’ve just recently started playing it. You cover your eyes and we play dumb and look for you everywhere except right in front of us. We see you out of the corner of our eyes just watching us, eyes no longer covered, and just wait for us to realize that you were there the whole time! and when we stop playing stupid and exclaim, “THERE YOU ARE!!” you get a kick out of it. If was play dumb for too long, you start squealing loudly to help us figure out where you are.

You’ve been able to clap since you were about eight months old, but this month have started clapping when you’re proud of yourself or when you like something. If I say, “Yay!” you immediately clap. Same with when I tell you “good job!”

This month I got into an argument with a couple hundred people online about letting your child cry. Ash, I’ve never let you cry, and I never intend on letting you cry. I respect you too much to do it- I know you don’t look at the world in the same way I do, and even though you’re getting old and are definitely a toddler who probably *should* be able to sleep through the night and settle yourself after waking, you don’t. This may be my fault, or it just might be in your nature- I’ll never know. All I know is that when I got pregnant, I made a commitment to be there for you and to meet all of your needs. Now, it doesn’t mean I let you do whatever you want- because you know there are rules and most of the time you will abide by them and listen to me when I say no, but there is no reason for me to allow you to cry. It’s not healthy, it’s not happy. I want you to grow up to be a confident, independent person and so far it’s working. You’re loving without being clingy, you’re independent without being bratty. I promise to be there for you when you need me, and to never treat you like a burden.

I still love your nap times so that I can recharge and feel like myself for a couple hours a day, and the only thing that’s better than putting you down for a nap is when you wake up. You’ve taught me an extreme amount of patience, just by being you. I’m looking forward to all the other lessons you’ll teach me as you grow.

I love you so entirely.

Love,
Mama

Dear Ashden: Month Thirteen

Dear Ash,

Holy shit, dude, you understand every single word I say. We’ve had a huge breakthrough with language this month, and it is absolutely ABSOLUTELY AMAZING to see. You are SO COOL! When I ask you to bring me a specific book from the vast pile of books, and you’ll search through until you find it and bring it right over, crawl up on the couch and sit with me. When we read through the books, I’ll ask you to point to the red car, blue truck, flower, dog, ball, bottle, baby, green frog, snail, monster, duck, fish, bird, turtle, you get it right every time! Your vocabulary is growing on a daily basis- I am looking forward to to when you can start to talk. Right now you’re very good at being able to say the first letter of a lot of words.

You have a few favorite things, things that make you squeal or make you beh-beh-beh and point to, and those are: flowers, dogs, cats, bikes, helicopters, dump trucks, diggers, garbage trucks, being upside down and being swung around (with your arms out like a roller coaster).

Your favorite food is still sushi. You don’t have any favorite toys (you do like of your collection of cars), and up until this month you didn’t seem to prefer anything in particular… until you fell in love with three books. They’re the only books you’d bring to your father and I, ones which we read so many times that UGH, are you serious? Again? What about THIS other book? No? Fine. One is a large book of nursery rhymes with a built-in handle, the other is an I Spy book, full of cars and trucks and trains. This is the book that has really broadened your vocabulary about cars and trucks (and colours, too). The third is a “Brainy Baby” book that I can’t stand, that was a present from your grandmother many months ago. I don’t know why you like this book- there isn’t even a storyline, but sure enough, you keep choosing it.

You have really mastered signing this month. You experimented with it a while ago, but your signs are clear as day, and you will do it on command. Right now, you do the standard “more,” “all done,” and “eat” (which you will do if you’re asked if you’re hungry), and you made up your own for “help” or “please” which looks like you’re praying. I’ve tried to teach you both the standard signs for both of the words, but you won’t do it. I think you’re awfully smart to think of your own sign for something (which you’ve done before, for “brush your teeth”).

This month we took a few trips. Your father and I took a great trip (WITHOUT YOU!) to see the tidal bore in a river raft. We were away from you for five whole hours, while you spent time with your grandmother and great grandmother. Even though being away from you is very normal for your father, it was the longest time I’ve ever spent away from you, and I was having so much fun that I am proud to say I hardly thought of you. Leaving you was difficult because I knew you were tired and I didn’t want you to cry, and the 30 minute drive back to you was difficult too because by that time the fun was over and I missed you and couldn’t wait to see you. That trip gave me hope for the future, knowing that I wouldn’t break down if I couldn’t be with you for an extended period of time.

The other trip we took was your first trip to the zoo! You love animals, and you really loved to see all the different kinds that the zoo had to offer. You loved feeding the goats and deer, even though you tried to keep the little corn nibblets away from them.

Your favorite was the farm cat. Of course. Forget all the exotic ones that we paid $6.50 each to see.

The other big development this month was that you started to walk full time. A couple of weeks ago I figured you were walking about 80% of the time, and each day you’d crawl less and less, and now it’s very rare to see you crawl. It was a rough month, you took a few tumbles and bruised your face in a couple of different places, but you’re so good now. You still hold your arms up, bent at the elbows, at chest level.

Two days ago you and I went for our first walk together. We usually go in the sling, or for longer walks/errands I’ll stick you in the stroller, but we had to go to your Auntie’s house so you walked the two blocks, hand in hand, beside me. It was such a big step- you felt like such a little boy. We ran into our friend Alexis, who has a daughter three months younger than you, and we just about blew his mind. He was just astounded that you were doing so well and that his daughter was going to be just like you in a couple of months. It was great to share my pride with someone else. Only parents understand what it’s like to be proud of every single thing someone else does. It’s one of the weirdest things about being a parent… I was telling people that I went shopping with you the other day and you walked around the store! All by yourself! And people were like, uh, yeah? What do you mean? Do you mean he just went around the store alone? Um, no. I mean, he was walking! Around the store! Don’t you see the significance of that? He’s never done that before. I’ve always carried him. Now he can walk unassisted. Nope, no one got it except me. Seriously, it was a huge milestone for us.

You like putting things on your head, as if they were a hat. I bought about 15 pounds of apples after our trip to the zoo, and for the next couple of days you kept trying to put apples on your head. There are still apples around the house from you dropping them and me not picking them up. Today you put your hacky sack and a dish towel on your head.

You coloured this month. You got… colourful.

The funniest thing I think you’ve done this month was when we were at the zoo and we were in a barn with HUGE pigs and one of them was… er.. gassy. Your father and I looked at each other, and although we don’t usually think that kind of thing is humorous at all, but we cracked up a little and you looked at us and said, “PFFFFFFFFFFTTTT!!!” You are HIL-FREAKING-LARIOUS.

I love you so much, little man.

Love,
Mama